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Opening Hours:
Monday - Saturday:
9.00am - 5.30pm
Sunday: 12.00 - 4.30pm

Extracts from the Groucho's book of the brain-dead...
Choice words from people 'two tracks short of a single'.


C: Do you have Radiohead 'In Rainbows'?
S: Sorry, we don't currently have a copy in stock.
C: Do you know where I'd get it?
    What other shops are there in town?
S: What about HMV?
C: How do you spell it?
S: H......M......V!!

C: Do you have any flyers?
S: Yes, they're at the door.
C: Where's that?
S: The one you just came in.
C: Where's that?
C: Behind you.
C: Oh, right.
S: (give me strength)

Customer on phone:
C: Will I be able to park my scooter outside your shop?
S: Certainly, what have you got out of interest? Lambretta? Vespa?
C: Mobility!
(The times they are a-changing)

C: Can I sell you some records?
S: What kind of records?
C: Vinyl ones.
S: What style?
C: Classical music.
S: Classical music?
C: Yeh, like Frank Zappa.

Woman on the phone the day of T in the Park.
C: Are you running buses to T in the Park this year?
S: Yes, but we've sold out.
C: Already!

Customer on the phone.
C: Hi, could you tell me how to get to Aberdeen?
S: What?
C: I'm in the Hilltown.
S: I dunno, take a right, find the Kingsway and the Forfar Road.
C: Thanks doll.

Customer selling some CDs.
S: Do you have some ID?
C: I've only got my birthlines.
S: Sorry, can't take them, do you have a bank card etc?
C: No, I've not got any ID. It's not my fault, it's 'cos I've been in jail for six years.

Customer selling DVDs.
C: None of those DVDs have been watched but some have had their
covers taken off because I heard ticking and had to make sure they weren't bombs!

Woman on phone enquiring about 'The Enchanted Forest'.
C: What showing is it?
S: 6.15pm.
C: Eh? The clocks go back next week so that means it'll be 5.15.

Customer comes up to counter with a Marvin Gaye CD which has a picture of
Marvin Gaye and clearly says Marvin Gaye on the cover.
C: Who's singing on the CD?
S: I dunno, take a wild guess!

C: See that PG one, will it work on VHS?
Cause I've got one of the 18 types that works...'The Krays'...
But It's got lines across it but I don't know if those PG ones work on VHS...

Customer on the phone.
C: I've got loads of 45's - do you still buy them?
S: Yes.
C: What one's do you buy?
S: All kinds, can't be specific, do you have a list?
C: I've got them all in front of me, I'll just go through them.....Abba...

Foreign gentleman at the counter.
C: Do you have any wig tape?
S: What? Wig tape? What do you mean? Wigan Casino tapes?
(assuming he noticed he was in a second-hand record shop)
C: No, tape for sticking your wig to your head.

C: Ehm lookin fur a song, eh dinna ken the name o the band,
 They did a song. Eh dinna ken the name o it. There were models in a bath.
S: What?
C: No, ye ken whit ehm on aboot. The band, they did a song, eh dinna ken.....
S: Help!

Middle aged gent selling a Britney Spears DVD.
C: Could you sign the book for me?  I've a trapped nerve in my wrist.

Customer on the phone.
C: I want to bring in a couple of CDs and DVDs to sell to you.
Do I have to pay you to buy them?
(now there's an interesting concept)

C: Do you have tickets for 7th of December?
S: What for?  There's a lot on at that time.
C: Dinna ken.
S: Where is it? What is it?
C: I know it's on the 7th of December and you've got tickets.
S: I'm sorry, I don't know if we can help without more information.
C: Well, it's on the 27th of December!
S:( Beam me up, Scotty)

C: What time is the Damned gig?
S: The doors open at half past eight.
C: Are The Doors playing as well?

Elderly customer wearing a baseball cap with 'Vibe Tribe' and cannabis leaf motif
buying 'Spiral Staircase' on video.
C: The price has went up!
S: (Puzzled) How do you mean?
C: It was only 1/6 when I saw it at 'The Peke'.

After selling a batch of CD's a crusty ginger geezer produces an equally crusty CD from his pocket.
C: Are you interested in this interactive Limp Biscuit CD Rom thing?
S: Not really.
C: Are you sure?
He then opens it up - there is no CD inside - only a soggy digestive with a hole carefully crafted from the centre to form a neat fit.

S: What's your surname?
C: White
S: With a Y or an I?
C: Just WH

A member of Groucho's staff found the following note attached to the toilet door at a Sepultura  gig at Q.M.U. in Glasgow -
'If I were Paw Broon I'd be suspicious of the fact that none of my children look like me or each other (except the twins of course, whose resemblance to Oor Wullie demands an explanation from Maw Broon)'.

C: Have you got a copy of Mortal Kombat Ornothology?
S: Is that the one where they go looking for birds?
C: Yes, I think so.

C: What sleeves do you have for 12" albums?
S: PVC or plastic, they're 50p or 10p.
C: How much are the 50p ones?

C: Can you settle an arguement? Who was in Wham with George Michael?
Was it Boy George or Elton John?

Customer on phone: How much are records for decks?
S: Any particular record?
C: No, just recods for decks!!!

Have you any Steve Miller CDs? I've tried the shop in the high
street but they've only got one that's a copulation of his stuff.

Young lad selling CDs:
S: Do you have any ID that says you're over 16?
C: No, but i've got a fag packet!

Vacant looking skater comes in for his T in the Park ticket:
C: One weekend and camping.
S: How're you paying?
C: Not bad, how are you?

Two gadgie minks come up to the counter looking for Oasis tickets:
GM: How many have you got left?
S: About half a dozen.
GM: What's that? Like a hundred?
(even his gadgie mate looked embarrassed)


C: Is it true that Midge Ure is joining Runrig?
S: Sounds daft enough to be true.
C: Well, I hope he's not gonna sing any Runrig songs!
 I don't want him dropping his standards!


C: Got any Enigma? Where's the ' N ' section?


C: These batteries you sell....are they second-hand?


C: Do you sell tickets for the Playhouse ?
S: Who for?
C: For myself...oh..I mean Evita.

Customer hands over 'Plague Of Zombies' video and asks 'Is this a horror?'

C: Any information about Reading?
S: No-none yet.
C: When will it be? How much? Will it be held in Scotland this year?

C: Why do you destroy all the Bay City Rollers records?
(the one question that doesn't need answered)